i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Randomize