a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
