He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
