this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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