oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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