it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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