I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
