i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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