I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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