god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
