I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
