You just made me feel so damn special
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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