Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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