my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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