i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
