oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
