And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
