I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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