Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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