I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
