I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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