i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
