I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
