Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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