Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
