u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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