i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
