I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
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