Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
