Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
