I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
