you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i dont even know how to be here
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
