who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
