He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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