I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize