Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
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