Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
