she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
