JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
We're too hungover to prance.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
