remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
