According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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