I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
