They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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