I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
