I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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