Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I want a musical about memes.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
