Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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