from now on my penis is your penis
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You are a genius and a whore.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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