She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He better not be in your backpack
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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