I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
We got so high we made milksteak
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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