i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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