I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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