She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
