i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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