Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
