I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
