Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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