Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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