ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
