The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
